Most Alive, Most Engaged, Most Delusional #trust30 Challenge – Day 28

I accepted a blogging challenge called #Trust30 in honor of the republishing of Ralph Waldo Emerson’s book Self-Reliance. Essentially over the next 30 days I will be given snippets of thoughts from which I must create something. In my case that something will be written works.

Today’s challenge is as follows:

Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind. If we follow the truth, it will bring us out safe at last. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

When did you feel most alive recently? Where were you? What did you smell? What sights and sounds did you experience? Capture that moment on paper and recall that feeling. Then, when it’s time to create something, read your own words to reclaim a sense of being to motivate you to complete a task at hand.

(Author: Sam Davidson)

I wake up every day and am alive, yet in Buffy the Vampire Slayer terms, I am just going through the motions. Alive is not the same as engaged. Caring about what happens. The events of my life feel unconnected, disjointed, and random. In spite of that, I can directly recall a moment where I feel like the veil between the perception of myself and my real self had thinned enough where I had a sense of what it must like to be fully engaged with the world.

It was a wonderful exhilarating feeling that was unfortunately based on a self-deception.  At this point I’ve erased five hundred words I’ve written because while I was describing a moment of ‘full engagement’ that happened to be based on self-deception, I realized I was being unintentionally cruel to the other person involved and intentionally cruel to myself.

I know when I’m fully alive, fully engaged. It is when I have a receptive audience, even if it is one person laughing at my jokes, making me feel like I’m an important component to her world.

I’m engaged and alive when I feel my audience engaged with me.