I woke up, discovered it was Friday and realized that the Internet wasn’t being used. As we all know, no one uses the Internet on Fridays so I figured I’d open it up and see what I could find while no one was looking. It has not slipped by me that we are on the cusp of a major holiday, Valloween, I mean Valentine’s Day.
Love. Exciting and new. Exciting when new is more like it. New Relationship Energy (NRE) some call it. It is the giddiness when a relationship first begins. You know what I mean, when spending hours on the phone just hearing each other breathe is somehow amazing and revelatory. When you sacrifice sleep in order to have just one more hour of time with this new source of love. Everything about the other person is cute and endearing. The noises they make when they eat, the way they play with their hair when trying to make a decision, and their fascination with weight loss reality TV programming all make you go ‘Aww, isn’t that so cute!’
All those ‘cute’ things become annoyances later in the relationship. But, I’m not here to talk about love gone awry, I’ll save that for Monday… today it is love gone right. Or trying to make love go right. One of the first things you may need to do to get love in your life is to look at the Feng Shui of your home. To attract a mate, instead of keeping the bathroom clean and not leaving your porn collection out in the open, you really should decorate better.
And once you have love in your life, to keep it stimulated, you need to do something special in the bedroom.
That’s right, get rid of those soiled sheets and stained mattresses because the ancient Chinese say it is unhealthy for new relationships. Those ancient Chinese space-energy masters sure were wise. I would never have thought that clean sheets and a non-fouled mattress would be good for a relationship. And who knew Chinese burial practices would have so much to do with love, American style?
Here are some more tips…
Ever notice it is always white women who give out Feng Shui tips and not a person of Chinese ancestry? I’m just saying that if Feng Shui is a vital element of the culture, you’d think the ‘experts’ would tend to be from that culture.
So the lessons I’ve learned from the feng shui bit are as follows: Use red, but not too much red. The upper right hand corner of my home is the ‘love space’ which happens to be a closet in my apartment… that could be amusing once or twice…, take down the weapons and pictures of lions, tigers, and bears on my wall, take down the pictures of Wil Wheaton and Felicia Day, banish my entire office area from the bedroom even though I have no other place in my apartment for it, get a new mattress whenever I switch lovers, and get rid of cacti and pointy plants from my love space, or closet as it currently is called in my apartment.
I’m sure we’ve all learned a lot today and will rush out to put this knowledge into action. I know I’m already turning my closet into the ultimate love altar… with candles and erotic pictures… there is nothing creepy about that, right? A love altar hidden in a closet in my apartment… women will find that romantic, I’m sure of it if these women are correct at all.