Nobody Uses the Internet on Friday: Aflockalypse Friday

It’s 2011 and everything is different. At least the last number of the 4 digits of the year is different.  It’s a start. Change happens slowly. Today is the first Friday of the new year and you know what that means? It means the Internet is not being used. Yes, listen to that… the gazillion people who use the Internet each and every day (besides Friday) are actively not using it today.  Nothing is being read. Nothing is being sent. No cat pictures are being looked at. Even Facebook goes unupdated.  Twitter falls silent as if it were a flock of birds in the forest suddenly struck down by some mysterious force.

Just in case you haven’t heard, the Aflockalypse is upon us.  Birds, fish, sea life… all dying over the past week and no one can figure out why.  There currently is a Google Map showing the location of the major occurrences.  I don’t believe in fear.  Well, I believe in fear, fear obviously exists. It isn’t like fear is a figment of my imagination like the Cyberpope or happiness.  I don’t believe in allowing fear to be the basis of decisions or to allow fear to enable wild speculation, so I say with with all sincerity: WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!  Okay, let me clarify since obviously, yes, we are all going to die, that is a fact of human biology.  The End Times are here, is the gist of my statement. Even Anderson Cooper believes it even if Kirk Cameron doesn’t.  Of course Kirk could just be covering up the fact the rapture is nigh because he has a secured VIP elevator to heaven and he doesn’t want it crowded with the likes of you and me.  It’s when the religious nutballs are the rational people that you know fowl things are afoot.  Did you see what I did there? I’m clever.

Though I guess if right now were the End Times and dead animals were the harbinger of the End Times, then at no other point in history would there have been flocks of birds dying mysteriously, right. Starlings in the UK last March would have died without cause.  One “scientist” went so far as to “research” other mysterious deaths of flocks of birds only to discover this is not as rare of an event as I might have previously led you to believe with all my End Times talk.  The only real change is our ability to create Google Maps to link the events as if they were all part of something whole.

The human mind loves patterns and making sense out of patterns. It is an evolved trait.  It is the same trait that allows us to find the Virgin Mary in burnt toast, develop sure-fire gambling systems, and makes us think even numbered Star Trek movies are better than odd numbered Star Trek movies.  Animals die, flocks of birds are killed by weather systems, and the biggest change between the first time this happened and now is we are able to tell each other about it. Suddenly we think the dead flock of birds found in China have an intrinsic link to the dead flock of birds in Arkansas because they are both dead flocks of birds.  In the 90s, there were flocks of birds that died from eating fermented berries uh… I mean nitrate poisoning, from moldy corn, and from disorientation.

Maybe Chris Carter was prescient in his TV series Millennium.

Here is one flock that didn’t die, but faded away.

That Flock of Seagulls does portend an End… the end of this post.  The Internet needs to be put back where I found it so it is bright, fresh, and shiny for the next time someone wants to use it.

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