Nobody Uses the Internet on Friday – Christmas Eve Edition

Ho Ho Ho! Merry Giftmas Eve. Christmas Eve. Xmas Eve. Yuletide? Happy December 24th? Jolly Post-Solstice? Festive Festival of Lights? Thank goodness Fenris didn’t eat the Sun day?  Let’s go kill a Wren Day? I don’t know, I don’t care. I’m a bah humbug sort of fellow when it comes to this season.  Which may be why I found myself enjoying some bizarre forms of entertainment.  So sit right back and let’s enjoy the bounty of the Internet while no one is using it, especially on this hallowed day… Friday.

To start, I want to share this wonderful video that gives the present’s point-of-view of your Christmas morning … mourning… oh the puns they do keep a-coming.

Happy Holidays from DANIELS on Vimeo.

They say, and you know who they are, don’t give me that look… they say there is a war on Christmas. I put my crack research staff on this project and they came back with this detailed chart representing the number of times ‘Merry Christmas’ appears in books compared to ‘Happy Holidays’ since 1800. Yes, I have a very thorough and diligent research staff.

According to this well researched chart, Merry Christmas did suffer a bit in the 70s but is now rocketing away. Happy Holidays never stood a chance.  What is really telling about this chart is just how godless and unChristian people were in the 1800s.  It’s just awful how people didn’t celebrate Christmas like they do now.

Happy holidays is not the only threat to Christmas, though.  What about Santa Claus?  Sure, Christmas is Jesus’s birthday but good ol’ Saint Nick gets all the attention, right?  Another trip to the Sean D. Francis Laboratory for InDepth Internet Research, the SDFLIDIR for short, came up with the following compelling chart demonstrating just how much people care for Jesus over Santa Claus.

Look at that upswing for Jesus in these recent years. We truly are becoming a more godly people, aren’t we.  Luckily for us, though, there is one competition Santa Claus is winning and that is the one with the Martians.  You might not recall the classic holiday… sorry, Christmas movie Santa Claus Conquers the Martians but it was a thrilling tale of how Mars learned about the joy of Christmas.  Research bears it out.  Santa Claus clearly kicks Martian ass.

Though looking at that, the Martians are having a good run of it lately. Santa hadn’t better slow down anytime soon or else the Martians may overtake him.  Venutians are still waiting to experience the joy of Christmas, so there is still room for the Santa Claus-Christmas brand to grow in the marketplace.  I still place it in the buy category.  Oh, sorry, I got to looking at all these graphs and thought I was writing a financial column.  Give me a second to get my mind back on track.  Here watch this instructional holiday video while I get my bearings.

TeamUnicorn… always a source of beautiful geeky goodness. Which reminds me, I really should build a machete holder for my knife block. The ladies at TeamUnicorn aren’t the only women kicking ass this Christmas season. Mrs. Claus wages war against the greedy children in The Snow Runs Red a video game where Mrs. Claus uses an array of weaponry to protect Christmas and herself from the greedy children of the future.  Nothing says Christmas more than gunning down children as they try to steal the essence of the season.  Okay, almost everything says Christmas more than that, give me a break, I’m working on Christmas Eve!

The two dudes who go by the name Paul and Storm and sing songs you assume your grandmother would find offensive offer a reinterpretation of a classic Christmas carol.  I want to go on record that more efforts like this one might save Star Wars from the Star Wars Holiday Special.

It’s time to put the Internet away so it will dream of silicon sugar-plums in hopes of a webapp called StNick might run in its sector dropping wonderful Easter eggs… wait, crap. I thought I had this all figured out. It was going to be tearful, soulful, funny, and revolutionize how people felt about Christmas. Screw it! I don’t care anymore. Take your holiday, your gifts, your Internet connections and shove it all where the sun don’t shine! What’s this? You got a gift for me? Oh, that is so nice… what is it? Traffic? You got me web traffic?! That is exactly what I wanted! How did you know?

This is the BEST Christmas EVER! Peace be with you, goodwill to all, and have a safe and happy holiday, whether it is a standard Christian Christmas, a pagan Yule or Solstice, or a modern Secular Giftmas.