Sean D. Francis

Nobody Uses the Internet on Fridays

Posted on 27 August 2010

Hello and welcome fellow weary Netizen. You’ve traveled far and have seen many new and wonderful things. Let us share our tales in hopes the innkeeper will comp our room and board, at the very least give us a free mug of ale served by a lusty wench or a randy dude depending upon your preference. This is a judgment free zone. Kind of. That guy over there is a bit judgey but in a harmless way. Just ignore his smirks, eye-rolls, and tsk, tsk, tsking.

Since we are talking about tales, let me begin with H.P. Lovecraft. H.P. Lovecraft was a misogynous, racist writer who wrote amazing and disturbing horror stories in the early 1900s. While H.P. Lovecraft was filled with hate and misanthropy, he did love cats and wrote the story The Cats of Ulthar as a response to those who purposefully harmed cats. The story is simple, a band of gypsy appear in Ulthar. A little boy with them has a kitten. The kitten is killed by a man and his wife who were notorious cat killers. The little boy prays to his dark god and the gypsies leave town. All the cats disappear for a few days and return fat and content. The old man and his wife are discovered as skeletons in their homes. This tale, you may be thinking to yourself, has little to do with anything and it is just an amusing distraction. I tell you that it is not just an amusing distraction but something that should be considered carefully in light of the following news.

Across the pond, in London, Mary Bale was filmed picking up a cat and putting it in a garbage can – I’m sorry we are talking about the English – a rubbish bin, gov’ner. The police now have to guard Mary Bale because her hateful action has cat lovers in a complete uproar. Here, here is the disgusting video right here.

Mary’s response to the situation showed a clear lack of understanding, “I really don’t see what everyone is getting so excited about — it’s just a cat.”

While Mary is being guarded by the police against outraged cat lovers, she should be afraid of what sort of justice the cats might be planning for her.

Okay, I should add that Lola the cat who was put in the garbage ca… I mean rubbish bin, is safe. Her owners found her after fifteen hours. Luckily it wasn’t a scorching hot day… Damn it, this still pisses me off. What a stupid, stupid, stupid human. There are some actions you just don’t get to say “I’m sorry” and move on from. I want to see her have to work 100 hours in a no-kill animal shelter. She should do that not because the courts make her but because if she is truly sorry it is the least she can do to begin to rectify the horrifying action she took.

Sticking with an animal theme, I discovered why Yogi Bear keeps having the munchies for those picnic baskets. Canadian police found a marijuana farm that was using ten black bears as guard animals, feeding them dog food to keep them around the crops.

Officers were initially worried the bears might be dangerous, but quickly realized the animals were actually very docile and content just to sit around as the marijuana was seized, police said in a news release.

According to Bear.org, a website that surprisingly isn’t devoted to large hairy gay men, in the past 110 years, only 61 people have been killed by black bears.

Before I wrap things up and put the Internet away, I really want to point out that sometimes we, the royal we, the you and me and everyone else on this crazy planet, over complicate things. Sometimes those really hard problems have really simple solutions.

see more Epic Fails

So there it is. Let’s follow that example, take those difficult problems in our lives, and solve them with some common sense.