Nobody Uses the Internet on Fridays

My personal robotic assistant informed me that today was Friday which meant no one was using the Internet. I informed my personal robotic assistant that it couldn’t possibly be Friday because Friday’s are bright, awesome, terrific days and today did not feel like those adjectives so something must have malfunctioned in its tiny and pathetic synthetic brain. My conjecture did not sit well with my personal robotic assistant and it chased me into the room where I currently sit, quietly waiting, listening to the PRA pacing back and forth outside the door. I have since confirmed that today is indeed Friday and luckily this room has the Internet.

Do you know what is awesome? Chewbacca riding a squirrel while fighting Nazis. This artwork was commissioned by someone who thinks only awesome thoughts and brought into reality by an artist who does awesome work. It is awesome. Don’t you think so? Sure, some people may say weird, or drug induced, or ‘wacky Broadway nightmare’, but when you combine the pure Good of Chewbacca with the cuteness of a squirrel fighting against a scourge like Nazis that formula clearly adds up to awesome.

Honestly, I have no idea what was going through their minds, but if I could just borrow it for a day or two, I promise I won’t damage it and will return it with a full tank. Sadly, since seeing this piece of art all my own creative efforts seem sadly derivative. Boba Fett on a bat fighting Ghengis Kahn. C-3PO on a Sugarglider fighting starving North Korean peasant armies. Ugnauts riding giant beagle puppies defending against religious zealots. See? It has sucked all the creativity from my very soul by its pure amazing glorious awesomeness.

Everyone remembers Kevin Smith’s Clerks: The Animated Series, right? Well if you don’t there was an episode that had this wacky nonsensical segment:

Crazy and wacky and wouldn’t happen in a million years. Or would it? Recently in Colorado a bear opened up the door to a Toyota, climbed in, and took the vehicle for a joy ride to the bottom of the hill where the bear tore the heck out of the interior of the Toyota. Obviously a political statement on buying American made products, or some anti-corporate statement regarding the quality of Toyota’s products recently. The bear did not stick around for questions after it left the Toyota so we are only left to wildly and inaccurately speculate about its true motives. There is even a crazy theory it was after a peanut butter sandwich left in the backseat of the car, but that is plain ridiculous.

From bears to beers, it is well understood that beer does not aid sexual performance. Quite to contrary, beer is an inhibitor of sexual performance, which makes all those beer ads seem very manipulative indeed. Sure drinking crappy beer may put you into the company of beautiful people, but when the time comes to close the deal, the beer prevents you. Sad trombone. Wait! What if the beer was laced with something? Viagra? Cialis? Some ancient Chinese herb that does miraculous things? No! Cheese!! An Austrian brewer developed a beer that is laced with cheese and proclaims that it aids sexual performance.

‘My wife can’t have any objection to me spending the night down the pub now,’ said one drinker in Bregenz.

I’m bothered they don’t mention the flavor. Is it cheddar cheese and beer? Is it a stinky cheese? Brie? Spray cheese from a can? Is there any other link between cheese and sexual performance or is that just a marketing ploy? Who would use the promise of sexual performance to sell a product that has nothing to do with sex? That seems wrong to me, but I’m old fashioned.

It seems my PRA is now cutting through the door with its circular saw attachment. I really should have been suspicious when it requested it but I thought the PRA was just going to take up woodworking as a hobby and I was a bit excited at the idea of having some more bookshelves. Silly me. I better get cracking on setting up some sort of defense against this crazy robot. Maybe I should climb some stairs or put a blanket over its head. I’ll think of something. Until next week, remember, it’s your Internet and you want it now!